


Yes I'm Changing

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Arcades, Happy Ending, It's like kinda heavy but not sad, Kissing, M/M, Panic, Suicidal Thoughts, intimacy struggle, slight sexual content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-18 17:32:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13686438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "There's another future out there waiting for you" but Taeyong wants to figure life out now because he doesn't think he could handle another.





	Yes I'm Changing

**Author's Note:**

> I've been in and out of a bad place and thus this is my comeback piece, in the moment, personal and hopefully a little interesting for someone out there, who knows if it even makes sense. 
> 
> title from Tame Impala's song

~~_Consider something odd:_ ~~

 

~~_The feeling you get when you see a gymnasium floor that is made of coloured lines and tiles different from the gym at your school_ ~~

 

Taeyong curses and scratches out his words. _Your experiences aren’t universal moron._

 

He tears out the page from his ringed journal, folding it up, ripping it then tossing it in the trash. _Mom said it’s a fantastic idea to write stuff down when you feel like shit._ It’s not really working though. He thwacks the end of his pencil against his forehead repeatedly but all he’s come to be is embarrassed and frustrated. Apparently mental remedies aren’t universal either.

 

Tayong glances over at the clock on his bedside table. The glowing green time displays just a little after seven. His gaze shifts to his curtain drawn window, the night almost fully resting upon his world. The end of fall is like that, a nipping chill, dreary and quick to darken.

 

It’s technically late. Taeyong thinks he should eat but he wasn't up for the baked lasagna two hours ago and he’s certainly not capable of making anything for himself now. So he settles for defeat. He’ll eat a big lunch tomorrow, he’ll be too starved sick in the morning for breakfast.

 

He turns his desk lamp on, the incandescent bulb seeps a soothing yellow over his white desk. Taeyong likes the burn of this bulb, he hates going to school where he’s under the blinding fluorescence of that shitty _tube lighting._ So bright and blueish, it only serves for headaches. Under this light he can see his pencil work better. He can see the underworks he had started with in red. He’s coming about the right side of the hip with his regular graphite pencil, working left to right so he can seamlessly avoid smudges. Anything forgotten on one side will be carefully added later when the majority is finished.

 

The drawing of the hip bone is the last segment for his bone study piece. It’ll fit in is portfolio alongside its skull and foot counterparts. He’d like to be able to get into this illustration program for his first year out of high school. His odds are very low and he’s mostly come to accept it for what it is. He’ll take another course if he has to, rebuild his portfolio and try again the following year.

 

As long as he’s out of town by next september, he’s good.

 

The last portion of his drawing is completed and he pushes away from his desk and spins in his chair. _Can’t wait to get this torn apart by professionals._ He wipes the sleep from his eyes and takes a sip of the water on his desk. 

 

He eventually stands up and opens his closet door, there’s a mirror on the inside. He catches a glimpse of himself and sees how his hair is flat on one side of his head from his nap and the dark swells under his eyes seem to have come back tenfold. _This is why I’m single, I’m really fucking ugly unless I put a lot of effort into my appearance and snap the right angle._ He takes his shirt off and tosses it in the hamper then closes the door because the last time he stared at himself for a bit longer he started crying. There’s a small crack in the bottom corner of the mirror that serves only as a reminder not to wind himself up again.

 

He grabs his shorts and shirt he wears to bed and heads over to the bathroom. Sometimes showering is all he can do when he can’t decide what else is left. The water turns warm quickly and he strips the rest of his clothes. Once again he avoids the mirror, he doesn’t need to see what he enjoys covering up all the time.

 

He soaks himself quickly, head to toe and goes through his routine. He likes doing it quick because then he has more time to stand under the hot water. He likes it, how it momentarily takes away his aches and soothes his mind. While not always apart of routine sometimes he does find the shower a convenience for more private things. His hand skims over his hip bone and grasps loosely around his member. He starts with fleeting touches until he’s desperate, he works it out like usual from there.

 

He looks down at the messy water pooling around his feet, running to the drain. He comes off the short lived endorphins and considers how it would all probably feel more satisfying if his body fit what he wanted in his mind.

 

By the time he’s dried off he’s lying in bed with his phone out. He scrolls through old online stories, he’s read them hundreds of times but they never lose their sparkle. His favourite one always brings about such wonder and curiosity within him. He wonders what lips would feel like upon his own. He’s curious if he’ll like it because sometimes the thought of being so close to someone seems dirty and gross. It makes him feel ashamed that he hasn’t grown out of those feelings yet. He just counts his lucky stars that if it ever happens he’ll be able to manage.

 

It’s one in the morning and Taeyong finally makes the executive decision to plug his phone into its charger and tries and sleep. He snuggles deep under his covers and rummages for the one loose blanket, a little white knit one he’s had since birth. He bundles it in his arms and stuffs his face into it. He inhales deeply and lets the soft little fabric muffle his sobs and soak up his tears. _You’re so ugly, so difficult, you’ll never find love. All your dreams, useless, every action, an embarrassment. I want to die but I’m a coward. I want to die but I’m scared and clueless._

 

He has a nightmare of his mother dying and the world crumbles.

  
  


Morning comes like none of it happened. There’s only the urge to fall back asleep. Taeyong hits his alarm. He gets up, goes through routine, sends his snap streaks, a pic of his curtains, again. Like planned he avoids breakfast and grabs money from his piggy bank for lunch.

 

He makes the city bus on time, he is studious and assertive even if he’s internally a mess. He hides it well because it's a nuisance to others if its out in the open.

 

He gets to campus. He’s doing this special program that allows him to go to his local college and learn some graphics stuff. It’s neat, gets his toes dipped into the ocean of the real world. Class ends quick and leaves him time allotted for his booklet course work. Although he’s put it aside today, he takes bus 35 heading downtown instead of his regular 27 to home.

It’s a twenty minute ride, he pulls his old ipod out of his bag. There’s a couple of interesting playlists that have kept their charm. He runs through one on the trip downtown and it puts him in a slightly better mood than what he was working with.

 

He doesn’t remember much of the walk from the downtown terminal to the arcade but he’s there in one piece nonetheless. He walks in and steps up to the front counter. The guy behind the counter, Johnny, greets him kindly, Taeyong is a familiar face to him.

 

He makes an exchange for tokens with his unused lunch money. He’ll regret not eating when he’s sitting down for supper and his stomach is in knots but its whatever. He’d rather gorge himself later than have an upset stomach throughout the day. He doesn’t know if its nervers or poor habits or both but his stomach flips a lot and he’s always in the washroom. _Eating has become tedious._

 

Taeyong wanders off to _his_ machine. It’s Space Invaders and four months ago he managed to set himself as the second highest score. The highest score is deemed the unbeatable sacred 90’s legend. Myth has it that there was a kid who had dominated nearly half the games in this place and signed off on every high score as _winwin_. No one’s sure if the pun was intended and who this mystery person is or if it was truly just one person.

 

Taeyong takes a glance at the screen before starting the game, there’s a new score in for third, a competitor he doesn’t recognize. It just keeps flashing _sunnyboy_ and nothing clicks in Taeyong’s brain so he puts his required tokens in the slot. The game comes to a life with a whir.

 

He falls into rhythm with the game. He lets his brain melt from the static and his palms become sweaty at the joystick and buttons. The game finishes and he replaces the fifth place score with his own pseudonym _teewhy_.

 

He feels a little nauseous from the screen so he slinks to the back of the building. He knows no one will call him out, the workers know him so he carefully slinks up the backstairs to the roof. The air is cool and crisp with not a single gust of wind. He shuffles closer to the ledge. He does think about climbing it but reduces the idea to just a feeling of the moment. like wanting to pull the cord for the bus to stop at every stop.

 

So Taeyong simply folds his arms upon the ledge and rests his chin on them. He watches a couple birds flutter from wire to sill. He meddles with the idea of just camping out up here. Nothing is really appealing about going home. Home is technically fine but it’s lonely and that leads to a whole other series of unwanted feelings.

 

He doesn’t hear the door behind him open, only recognizes another presence when it’s beside him.

 

“Skipping again?” He asks quietly.

 

The boy beside him smiles and nods.

 

Taeyong sighs. _Idiot, you still need to graduate._

 

“It’s so boring, I’d rather be here…

 

Taeyong thinks he hears him continue on but it dies off into the honking below.

 

“Does anyone care that you’re out and about quite possible taking a chance that you’ll fail classes and loose credits.”

 

The boy’s jaw clenches and there’s a heavy silence until he chooses to speak. “Dad works nights, he’s asleep all day and doesn’t take the calls from school.”

 

“Jaehyun,” Taeyong starts only to be cut off.

 

“Wanna race me?”

 

Taeyong turns and looks at the boy that’s occupying himself with his sweater zipper out of nervous habit. He may have just offended his best friend (aka the only person he talks to for more than thirty minutes in one week.)

 

“Sure.”

 

They match each other a couple times on the bike racing game. Jaehyun likes the feel of it better than just sitting with a wheel. Taeyong agrees that it’s a little more fun but doesn’t openly admit. At some point Jaehyun gives up mid game and hops off. He rounds the machine to Taeyong’s side and watches the elder play the in game players.

 

“What’s up?” Taeyong asks, eyes still on the screen.

 

“Nothing,” Jaehyun replies, “Just wanted to watch you play.”

 

Taeyong doesn’t understand why but he feels a little hot under Jaehyun’s gaze. Maybe it’s pressure to play the game better or maybe it’s an issue of proximity. What he does know, is that in the fuzz of all of this, nothing is really telling him to push Jaehyun away.

 

He lets Jaehyun watch, closely. He wins and both screens revert to the start menu.

 

Taeyong pulls out his phone and checks the time, he should definitely be getting home soon. He conveys that feeling to Jaehyun who nods in understanding. Taeyong gives a meek goodbye and heads towards the front door. As his hand touches the glass to push, Jaehyun calls out for him and patter of footsteps accumulates behind him.

 

Jaehyun is clutching his phone tightly in his hand. He looks up from it, there’s a little more colour on his cheeks than normal.

 

“Do you think we could exchange numbers?”

 

Taeyong blinks. “ _Ughh oh_ yeah!” He fumbles around his pocket fishes out his phone, they swap numbers.

 

“How long have you guys known each other? You’re only swapping numbers now?”

 

Taeyong and Jaehyun both look up at Johnny, his chin resting in the palm of his hand. There’s an odd grin on his face. Taeyong gulps and Jaehyun lets out an awkward _aha._

 

“Probably could have done it a little sooner.” Jaehyun finally says and looks at Taeyong with a warm smile.

 

Taeyong returns the expression, “I’ll see you around.” With that said he exits.

 

When he gets on the bus he receives a message from Jaehyun. It just says _hey it’s jae!_ Taeyong pockets the device without setting Jaehyun with a contact name. That kind of thing is an odd form of permanence Taeyong doesn’t think he’s ready for.

 

At night Taeyong doesn’t have a nightmare but he does wake up sweaty and he vaguely remembers the heat of his dream. He splashes his face with ice cold water when he rolls out of bed.

 

Three days later he returns to the arcade and Jaehyun’s already there. He’s playing Frogger which is unusual since his declared staple is actually Street FIghter. Taeyong tip toes near him and when he gets close enough he taps Jaehyun’s shoulders with both hands and whispers _boo_ in his ear.

 

Jaehyun jumps with a loud gasp. His concentration is completely lost and he forfeits the game. He turns around to face Taeyong, a big pout on his face.

 

“How could you!” He whines with no bite.

 

Taeyong can’t help but feel the need to pinch his cheeks, he refrains and laughs instead. “Sorry.” he says but it’s a lie, he really enjoyed Jaehyun’s reaction.

 

Jaehyun just rolls his eyes.

 

“How long have you been here?” Taeyong asks.

 

Jaehyun looks at his feet then back up and opens his mouth.

 

“Don’t lie to me Taeyong interjects.

 

Jaehyun’s mouth closes in defeat. “I made it three quarters of the day, couldn’t manage my last class.”

 

Taeyong hums. “I’m glad you made it that far.” He says it with sincerity.

 

Jaehyun picks up on it and he seems a little shy because of it. “Are you trying to care about my attendance issues now?” Jaehyun says teasingly.

 

Taeyong shrugs, “Yeah I guess,” he replies before walking right past the younger.

 

Jaehyun kind of stammers but gives up when Taeyong takes a seat in one of the racing chairs. He takes a seat next to him instead.

 

Taeyong’s pockets aren’t deep enough so his phone keeps slipping out, annoyed he places it on top of the token box between them. Tonight he plans on getting absorbed in the game in front of him. He doesn’t want to think about classes or work or homelife or anything. He just wants himself, the video game and Jaehyun beside him. The last part being the surprising new addition to his _get myself to feel better_ plans. He’s not sure when he began to feel that Jaehyun was an essential to having a good time at the arcade or feeling good in general but he’s really okay with it.

 

He finishes a couple rounds before he hears his phone buzz and he looks down between them. The screen is lit up with Jaehyun’s number and a message underneath that reads _wanted to know what u saved me as :)._

 

Taeyong’s mouth parts a little. _I fucked up._ He looks back up at Jaehyun who is staring blankly at the phone screen.

 

“Jaehyun, I...it’s not what it--”

 

“--sorry I need to go to the bathroom.” Jaehyun stands up abruptly.

 

Taeyong watches his figure disappear into the dark lighting at the back of the arcade. He looks back at his phone and slaps his forehead. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he mutters repeatedly under his breath. He sits back in the chair and lets his head smack against the backing. He closes his eyes and sighs. _I’m gonna have to fix this._ He really is or else he’s gonna have another thing to cry about at night.

 

He waits a little bit until he confirms that Jaehyun isn’t coming back. At this point he knows the younger went to the roof. He gathers himself then heads to the back. He passes Johnny whose coming out of the cleaning closet with a broom.

 

“Hey kid, your _ugh_ buddy there didn’t look to good ya know.”

 

Taeyong swallows the lump forming in his throat, “Yeah I was just giving him some space. I made a bit of a mistake sorry if we’re causing a scene.” Taeyong bows his head.

 

Johnny just laughs softly, “It’s chill kid I’m the only one here, I’m sure it’ll be fine.” The guy puts a comforting hand on Taeyong’s shoulder. “Cheer up okay, it’ll work out.”

 

“You’re so sure of it?” Taeyong wonders.

 

Johnny gives that weird grin again, “I’m for sure dude, I’m not like assuming anything but I think he _ugh_ finds you cool, yeah which you know, means you’re good.”

 

Taeyong’s brows furrow and he nods like he understands. “Thanks Johnny.”

 

“No worries kid, you guys can have the leftover pizza from the party room after if you want, don’t want to waste it.” Johnny turns away with the broom in hand so he can start cleaning up a little.

 

Taeyong smiles, “Noted, thank you.”

 

The stairs feel longer, steeper and nosier. Taeyong’s winded by the time he’s at the top and leaning against the cold metal door. Nothing can prepare him for this, he never usually has conflicts like this to fix and if he did he was never so hell bent on fixing it like he is now. He doesn’t want this mishap to tear apart something he...needs.

 

He braces himself and opens the door, it squeaks loud in the silence of the approaching night and quiet traffic. He spots him, his form is slouched over the ledge, forehead against forearms. As he comes closer he can see the slight shake in his shoulders. Taeyong feels his eyes burn. _It was a mistake Jaehyun, I’m an idiot, I’m sorry._

 

Taeyong doesn’t say anything right away he just stands next to Jaehyun as a silent presence and waits for the boy until he’s ready.

 

Jaehyun is pretty quick to straighten up, loose brown curls of his hair bouncing slightly. He discretely wipes at his face obviously trying to appear as if he wasn’t crying. His puffy eyes say otherwise.

 

There’s another quiet moment where they watch the traffic below them and the world becomes a little darker.

 

Then Taeyong culminates his voice from deep within himself, “I’m really sorry.”

 

Jaehyun turns and looks at the older, eyes a little wide.

 

Taeyong looks back and repeats his apology. “I’m so sorry, I have issues with permanency and people taking up space whether it’s in my phone, on my mind, or right beside me. Not in the I hate people kind of way just the kind of will this all last kind of way. I don’t have anything against you it’s the opposite actually and that’s why I was scared to give you a contact name.” Taeyong sighs and runs a hand through his hair, “God that might not have made any sense, I’m sorry if I just seem like a bigger jerk now.” Taeyong can’t bare to look up choosing the ground now instead.

 

There’s no response but there is a pretty loud and obvious sob.

 

Jaehyun’s standing, shoulders shaking as he cries into the palm of his hands.

 

Taeyong panics and he crumbles to his last resort by pulling the younger into his arms. “Oh God Jaehyun, please don’t cry I’m so sorry, I really fucked up, it’s not what you think please please hear me out.” Taeyong pleads and now he’s crying himself.

 

There’s a sudden murmur from Jaehyun but Taeyong can’t make it out.

 

“Jaehyun?”

 

“Thank God, _oh_ thank God.” Jaehyun cries, his hands leave his face and wind around Taeyong’s neck where he also buries his face.

 

“Jaehyun?” Taeyong calls again, quietly.

 

“I thought I annoyed you, I was so scared.” Jaehyun sobs again.

 

Taeyong feels the trembles coursing the other’s body and it’s shaking his heart. Everything is racing and blaring. He’s never been so close to someone like this.

 

“You don’t annoy me, you could never.” Taeyong clarifies.

 

Jaehyun sniffles and clutches the older tighter. “I’m sorry, i’m being really dramatic right now.” His voice is rough.

 

“No no, this was all my fault to begin with.” Taeyong wipes at his own leaky eyes with a knuckle, struggling about while Jaehyun’s still wound in his arms.

 

“No like it wasn’t a big deal, “ Jaehyun says with a sigh, “I just used to be blamed by my grandma for my mom leaving and she would say it was because I’m annoying. It just kind of became a haunting at the back of my mind. I also don’t like have any friends at school which is why I’m here...so I can see you.”

 

Taeyong feels the heat in his face creep up, searing the tips of his ears.

 

“I just always think the worst, watch what I say a lot and didn’t want to lose out on having you as a friend.” Jaehyun continues. “We’re friends right?”

 

Taeyong pulls them apart a little with a soft laugh, “Of course we are.”

 

Jaehyun smiles, the last bit of his tears spill over. Taeyong thumbs them away before he realizes what he’s doing.

 

“I don’t mind that you take up space in my life, I was just being an idiot.” Taeyong whispers. _Holy shit I can’t believe you’re saying any of this right now._

 

“Are you trying to make me cry again?” Jaehyun says, voice thick. “Because I’m like really sensitive and cry a lot, I think I’m gonna cry again.”

 

He does.

 

Taeyong just laughs and pulls him close again. They stay together for a time that neither of them really care to count.

 

“Taeyong?”

 

“I don’t know if hugging guys is a normal thing for you and I’m reading this wrong--”

 

“--Jaehyun,” Taeyong’s heart is hammering madly in his chest and it’s all coming together now. “What is it?”

 

“Can I kiss you?”

 

There’s a pause and it obviously scares Jaehyun because he starts to ramble.

 

“If you don’t want to it’s okay! Shit I don’t even really know if you’re into--

 

“Kiss me.”

 

“What?

 

“Kiss me.”

 

“Are you sure.”

 

“To be quite honest Jaehyun I’m absolutely terrified and the thought of kissing really stresses and grosses me the fuck out but for some reason I just wanna feel your lips on mine so will you do it already before I step on that ledge right fucking now.” Taeyong huffs. His confidence dwindling.

 

He closes his eyes and lets Jaehyun make the first move. Then he feels it, a pair of chapped but gentle lips pressing softly to the corner of his mouth. Taeyong’s heart pounds as he feels Jaehyun’s warmth spread across his face. His fingers come to curl into the front of the younger’s shirt.

 

Jaehyun pulls away his cheeks burning red. “Was that okay?”

 

Taeyong snorts “You’re cute and kind of ridiculous.”

 

Jaehyun pouts as cute as last time, “Heyyy!”

 

Taeyong scrapes up his last bits of confidence and intertwines his fingers behind Jaehyun’s neck pulling the other closer. He leans in, licking his lips and their noses bump just a little before he capture’s Jaehyun’s upper lip between his own. It’s wetter and a little less stiff nonetheless beginners awkwardness is very present.

 

Taeyong moves to capture Jaehyun’s lower lip tugging it slightly and angling them just a little better than before. A little whine escapes Jaehyun’s mouth. Taeyong can feel the rising heat on the back of Jaehyun’s neck knowing he’s more than flustered right now. When they pulls apart Taeyong licks his lips again and shudders, it feels unnatural to taste someone else but he really enjoyed the intimacy, he thinks this is something he can work on with time. He does, though, have to wipe a little at his lips to gain relief from the itch in his brain.

 

“You okay?” Jaehyun asks weakly, his thumb comes to caress Taeyong’s cheek.

 

“Yeah sorry I think I got ahead of myself, I think I’ll get more comfortable with time if…

 

“If?”

 

“If we choose to make this a thing that happens often.”

 

Jaehyun smiles, Taeyong knows if the other wasn’t respecting his need to have some space he would have pulled him into a hug.

 

“I’d really like that and we don’t have to rush, I’m not in one.” Jaehyun says sincerely.

 

Taeyong melts, “Then I’d really like it too.”

 

Jaehyun grabs Taeyong’s smaller hand in his own. “Okay?” He asks.

 

“All good.” Taeyong replies looking down at their laced fingers. It really is all good, and some days it might not be. Not everyday runs a solid green light but Taeyong knows Jaeyun will work it out with him. Whether it’s about Taeyong’s identity, his permanence issues and intimacy problems he knows Jaehyun will be open to problem solving and listening.

 

“ _Oh!_ Johnny offered us the leftover party pizza if you’re up for it?” Taeyong remembers.

 

“I’m down, can we race after?” Jaehyun asks.

 

Taeyong nods and he tries to hide the smile that’s growing on his face. He knows Jaehyun just wants to watch. Maybe, just maybe, if the arcade is empty he’ll ask if he can sit in Jaehyun’s lap while he races. _We’ll see,_ he thinks. He looks ahead at Jaehyun who is now leading him to the staircase door.

 

_We’ll see._

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I think my goal with this was to just write about people as people if that makes sense. That's why it turned out so personal, the humanity you know best is your own right? If you enjoyed any of this i thank you sincerely, any feedback is greatly appreciated <3


End file.
